Tag: God hates me
The Truth about Martin Harris
This is Martin Harris. Most Latter Day Saints remember him as the man sorta responsible for the lost 116 pages of the Book of Mormon. Because of that, he doesn’t always have the best reputation. The truth is, though, he was loved so dearly by Joseph Smith and his family, regardless of his mistake. Martin Harris defended the church and Joseph Smith several times, even sometimes under oath in a court of law, against his own wife. Joseph Smith spoke so many times about his love for Martin and God’s love for Martin as well. I know so many people who believe they are no longer worth living or even worthy of God’s love because of something they’ve done, the way they think and question things, struggling with their testimony in the past/present, being LGBTQ+, or literally ANY OTHER REASON. That’s just not true. Seriously, it’s not. You are so loved, especially by your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. NO MATTER WHAT. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will ever make you or any other person immune to God’s love. Please know that. If you take nothing else from any of my posts/books/blogs/etc. Please know this at least: God’s love is infinite, eternal, and unconditional. SERIOUSLY! 💕 I promise. 🤝 I’ve felt it, and you can too. Just trust Him. 🙏 You can learn more about Martin Harris’ story in my book “1,001 Facts about the Prophet Joseph Smith” in my bio if you want.
My Experience with Mental Illness in the LDS Church | Part 1
Some of you–especially if you have seen a few of my youtube videos–may know about my struggles with mental health, while the rest of you probably have no clue. Around the same time I started getting sick with my chronic physical illnesses, I also became afflicted with anxiety and depression. At first it was easiest to deny it, pretend it wasn’t there. Eventually, after one of my first pair attacks in front of my new husband, he was scared and confused. He could see my struggles and I knew I could not hide it from anyone, especially myself, any longer. I finally said to him, “Something is wrong with me, with my mind. I cannot control it. I need help.”
We spoke about it all night, he stayed home from work the next day, and we made an appointment to speak with our Bishop about reaching out to LDS Family Services for counseling. I started going to therapy for about a year (until I started medication, but I still go to therapy because I work best with help from both.) I got better and was equipped with the tools I needed to help manage my mental state. Regardless, it was still an emotional rollercoaster where I occasionally found myself engulfed in scary and even life-threatening thoughts and situations. I would be fine one moment, then something would happen to upset me and I was rapidly spiraling into darkness. I was eventually hospitalized and I was not allowed to be discharged until I had an appointment with a psychiatrist to receive medication for my condition. I was avoiding medication like the plague. It was another attempt to deny what was going on inside my head, to pretend I did not need help. I also feared a new medication would make my physical ailments worse.
About a month later, I was sitting in the room with my new psychiatrist while I explained my situation. I realized at that moment how lucky I truly was and how God’s hand is really in all things–even when I felt unworthy of His love and help. I told her my stomach was paralyzed (normally much easier that saying I have gastroparesis and then have to explain that my stomach was paralyzed anyway…just easier to skip the name and give the explanation first.) She responded “Oh! I have a few patients with gastroparesis!” *Reminder: I hadn’t said the name of my condition, but she knew what was going on already, something that was very rare for me…even with medical professionals.* She then told me that her patients with gastroparesis normally do well with the specific medication she later prescribed to me. She warned me that it would likely take me a month or two to actually feel the effects of the medication. However, I was one of those very lucky, rare people who felt the effects almost immediately. After about two days after taking the medication, the dark cloud above my head was lifted. My almost uncontrollable, seemingly instinctive pessimisn (abnormal for the real “Alexa”) was gone. It was replaced by my true attitude of positivity, love, and happiness. I was compassionate again. I was truly happy.
Everybody’s experience with mental health is different. Most people’s bodies really do take a few trial months with several different medications until they find what works best for them. Some do not even need medication and need only a few sessions of therapy. However, regardless of the path, mental illness can always get better and be managed with the proper care and help. It is probably one of the most difficult things to go through sometimes, even now with medication. There are some days where I genuinely think to myself, “I will never be happy again,” “Everyone would be better off without me,” “I am a waste of space.” It is one of the most challenging things to overcome, when it feels physically impossible to make myself believe otherwise. The day following one of my worst nights, I wrote
A Letter to Myself, When I am Not Myself
Last night was the worst I have ever felt up to this point. Because of my illness, I just feel like I wake up, sit in pain and discomfort, then go to sleep, then repeat the next day. Then, last night my feelings were royally hurt at a family get together. (Turns out it was just a simple misunderstanding, but at the time it felt like the world was ending.) I thought for sure that my family members would never want to speak with me again. I literally felt like I had nothing and nobody to live for except my husband. However, I felt like I was just a large burden on him with all my health issues. I was sure that I was going to end my life that night. I do not want to go into much detail, it will only give you (talking to myself) ammonition for later on when you might feel this way again. Dalyn laid in bed with me trying to comfort me, as I stared at the wall, completely numb to anything he could possibly tell me. All the sudden, I caught a glimpse of one of the photos on the wall of he and I at Disneyland. I thought about how much I wished things would be better in my life: my relationships, my illnesses, if I could get pregnant and carry the baby to term without health scares, and raise a healthy baby and take them with my family and friends to Disneyland and have a ‘normal’ life like everyone else. I was not sure how (I am still not completely sure how) I could ever have any of those things. But I was reminded of Heavenly Father’s plan. I felt the Spirit tell me that those things, those blessings, are in store for me. Even if my illness never gets better, I do believe (even though it seemed impossible at the time) that my life will get better in other ways. So as Dalyn sat there, trying to comfort me but still oblivious to the depth of the situation and my plan to end my life, I decided to come clean. It was scary and extremely tough to do. I will never forget the look on his face of pure terror and sadness. It sounds weird but his face reminded me that he did love me, and regardless of how bad I feel about being sick when he does so much, he still wanted me there and to take care of me however necessary. I also told Dalyn about my new plan: to get better, to mend the relationships with family members that I thought were over forever, and to look forward to that vision I saw in my head…of me, Dalyn, my whole family, and our future children, enjoying a vacation at the Happiest Place on Earth. It is a small dream to accomplish, but it will mean the absolute world. It is a representation of a better life.
I made up with my family members later that night, it was really not as big of a deal as I had made it out to be in my head. Then I decided to write this letter only 24 hours later. Life is still hard, but I already feel a million, zillion times better. Things would still be better even if I wasn’t able to mend the fight with my family members. It would have been better because I remembered my Heavenly Father. I am very grateful to have mended the wounds with my family though.
What I ask and plead of you (myself, or you…reading this…) is this: just give it another 24 hours and then see how you feel, just talk to somebody, spend time with the people you love, give it one more shot. This too shall pass and you will win this fight and live the BEST GOSH DANG life Heavenly Father has to offer! Just give it one more shot, I promise you will feel better. Pray, even when you feel so focused on your plan, feeling so low that you really don’t want to talk to God.
I wrote this letter only a few weeks before I started taking medication, which made a world of a difference, as mentioned before. I also would receive the revelation to write 1,001 Facts about the Prophet Joseph Smith only about a week or so after writing this letter as well. Looking back, yes, things today ARE SO MUCH BETTER ALREADY. Yes, I still struggle with mental health. Yes, I still struggle with physical health. No, I still haven’t been able to have children yet. However, I have my amazing and thrilling career now. I have built new and/or stronger relationships with my friends and family. If my life would have ended then, I would have never had these experiences. I know it is just the beginning. Heavenly Father still has great things in store for me to experience and blessings left for me to receive. His plan would not be complete if I decided to end my life on my own terms.
I have a lot more to say on this matter, which I will continue in the next blog or two. For now, I wanted to focus mostly on the fact that is does get better. REALLY! I swear it. If necessary, try writing a letter to yourself when you’re not yourself…or you can use mine ( seriously, that’s why I decided to post it in the first place.) Create a safety plan and practice it and know it by heart, like a school student knows what to do during a fire drill. As soon as you notice the triggers, take action before the spiral. Communicate to those you love about what is going through your mind. Speak with a therapist, psychiatrist, or even a Bishop. You can fight and win. My battle, like yours and everyone else’s, is not yet won. However, with God’s help and the help of others, I can summon the strength that I never knew I had before to overthrow my mental illness…and win in the war.
Are you trapped in your own, personal Liberty Jail?
Okay, if you are related to me, have heard me speak in church, or are even just an acquaintance, you have probably heard this story. I don’t care though, it is so good. Hands down, it was the most life-changing experience of my entire existence. So deal with it!
Right after I graduated high school, I had the opportunity to go on the Church History Trip to the eastern United States. We got to visit several historical church sites for two whole weeks! It was life-changing in many ways, but the most life-altering experience for me happened on the very first night. This was a time of major trial for me. Because of these trials, I genuinely felt like God had forgotten me, forsaken me, or just STRAIGHT UP hated me. I had never experienced that feeling before in my life. I was miserable. I spent too long in the pool of comparison…and my hands were getting pruny enough to prove it.(; I believed that Heavenly Father was picking favorites and giving them blessings…and I definitely did NOT think I was one of His favorites. I really thought I had no reason for living, and I was about to abandon my belief in a higher power altogether. SPOILER ALERT: I was wrong…OH EM GEE, I was DEAD wrong. I would not wish those emotions and feelings on my worst enemy, and I never want to experience anything like that again.
The first night, one of my four awesome (seriously, amazing) roommates told us that our chaperones assigned everyone to read Doctrine and Covenants 121-122. It was the story of the Prophet Joseph Smith while he was wrongly imprisoned in Liberty Jail. None of the other girls, including myself, remembered hearing that assignment, and we were not going to visit Liberty Jail in Missouri until later in the trip. Regardless, the four of us read the two chapters together as a room. This time in Joseph’s life is arguably the most difficult time up to that point. He was captured and incarcerated one day following the Haun’s Mill Massacre where almost twenty saints died and others were beaten and brutally attacked. His wife and children were robbed and threatened, before having to flee to Illinois for their lives. Over 60 of his closest friends were being thrown in jail, and kept in jail until they testified against the Prophet in court. He, like me, and like all of us at some point in our lives, felt like God had forsaken him. Although, I know Joseph Smith’s situation and trials of that time were way worse than mine have ever been. I still felt like I could relate to him on a smaller scale.
The four of us read the Prophet’s agonizing prayer, “Oh God! Where art thou?” A prayer I sympathized with now, more than ever. Then a few verses later, we read the Lord’s sweet answer, “My son, [to me, I read, “My Alexa”] peace be unto thy soul, thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high…” Later, in the next chapter, I read the final verse, “Therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.” When I read that, I physically felt the Lord tell me, “I have not forgotten you, I have NEVER left you, and I NEVER will.” For the first time in months, I physically felt the love of God. At least, I let myself feel it…for the first time in months. I realized that God’s love for us is INDESCRIBABLE. I heard and felt so many reasons why Heavenly Father loved ME, why He had NEVER forsaken me, why He was proud of me, and how beautiful HE thinks I am, inside and out.
I got out of the pool of comparison. I will admit that I still find myself in that nasty pool even now, but I never let myself stay too long anymore. I found out the next morning that none of the chaperones assigned us to read any scriptures…and they never gave us official scripture assignments even afterwards. I know my sweet roommate was inspired to have us read those two chapters, whether she knew it or not. God needed me to hear those verses, and He used my amazing roommate’s spiritual intunement to help me. I found myself trapped in my own, personal “Liberty Jail” and nothing and nobody could ever pull me out…except God. The person who I almost abandoned and stopped believing in altogether, had been there all along. He was not mad at me, or punishing me, even when I was not very nice to Him at the time. I learned how much God loves me. With that, I learned how much God loves everyone else…how much He loves YOU. I normally would feel weird comparing myself to somebody as awesome as the Prophet Joseph Smith, but it was Heavenly Father who told ME, that the “worth of every soul is great in the sight of God.” (D&C 18:10). HE told ME that I am not worth any less than even His greatest Prophets. This applies to ALL of His children, no matter how unworthy you may THINK you are of His love and forgiveness.
Here I am, almost four years later and I have suffered through far worse than I had ever dealt with before. Yet, I have NEVER, EVER doubted that Heavenly Father was really there. He promised me that he had “NEVER forsaken me, and that He NEVER would.” I believe Him. Now, I physically feel Him and His Son going through these trials with me every step of the way.
Have you ever been, or are you now, trapped in your own, personal “Liberty Jail?” The only one who can bail you out, is God. Turn to Him. Know how much He loves you. Know that He is proud of you. Know that He thinks you are beautiful, inside and out. Know that “thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment,” and that our trials are for our good and give us experience. As hard as any trials are or ever will be, God NEVER forsakes us, and He NEVER will.